A Magical Weekend

Many times weekends are the best days of my week, this one definitely felt as such.

It started with Thursday night and shifting my bust of Apollo from downstairs on to my altar in my bedroom, in my own space in my own time. Despite beginning my practice with him we have often found ourselves on break during the winter months, only to start again in spring. This year was no exception.

The day after I moved him to my altar a sun shower, a very significant sign he sends me, falls once my partner (M) is home. While I noticed the rain my partner pointed out that it was still sunny. I was happy to see a sunshower but wasn't going to go outside until I felt a pull to.

I asked Apollo why I should when I am right next to the window, he responded with his own question.

"You do like rainbows, don't you?"

In that moment I remembered this was the perfect time, angle, and event to see a rainbow. I got up quick, slipped on my partners flip flops and ran out excitely with him.

There two HUGE rainbows covered the sky, vivid as ever. He and I were so impressed with how many colors we could see in both. After a moment of awe I ran out into the rain and just felt the drops hit my hoodie.

The sun was about an hour from setting, and clouds began to roar like herded lions, but the rain stopped just long enough to coax my partner from the safety of the porch. M watched with me as lighting started to flash. I have never been the biggest fan of storms, but he loves them. I pushed that fear to hopefully see a lightning strike while the rainbow remained, and I was not disapointed. A huge strike flashed to the left of the rainbow, blue and white in color.

It was beautiful and awesome... and close enough to run me back inside.

I was buzzing from the interaction, thrilled to once again have that connection, the acknowledgement, and the bond.

I often doubt my choices, my understandings, and my magic. In this moment though I felt I had come to the best result and decision that I could.

Saturday

This day i found an event about tarot I wanted to do with M.

So we got up and went to this store to get a reading done.

It was the same shop we got a matching bracelet set two years ago just a few days before or after we made things official. We were able to show the person who made our bracelets we are still happy after all this time. She was thrilled to see us and happy we visited again.

While I was there I got a wonderful tarot reading, At first I wasn't sure who to choose since the event had three tarot readers, but I turned and the reader I noticed, noticed me and said something to who she was conversing with but at me and we both laughed since she didn't necessarily mean to. It gave me a chance to look at her deck on her table, the backings having golden suns etched in was a loud sign from Apollo.

I sat and we began our 15 minute reading, but it felt like an hour. It is the only reading I have had dig and successfully find the troubles I have been running into.

There were many cards pulled, as she read with an oracle deck as well, but the one I noticed the most was the Pink Moon card (which was that night) and the "Self: card, a reflective card that looks like a mirror.

The overall message? I have many things I want to do, and while I can eventually get to them all I need to choice the first. I need to know and learn myself and my true desires to make those decisions.

So i have decided this blog that I spent 2 weeks coding will serve as a way to discover myself. Jot down everything I wish and pull myself from social media best I can.

That night I messaged a new friend (K) who had an especially difficult time last chance we had to hang out. She was excited she and her friend were going to do a girls trip! I asked where and it was the beach close to where I live.

I was so excited for her because it's a wonderful beach and the weather was still a spring cool and let her know that I love it and how frequently I go.

She didn't know how close I was to there and invited me to tag along.

I was so excited... then terrified.

Last time I went to the beach I had one of my worst POTS (unconfirmed) episodes to date. The sun and sand make a deadly duo for me to try to stay hydrated and keep my heart rate under 150.

I double checked if her friend (J) would be okay with it and also invited them to the house to change.

Once they were there I would explain my illness and give them another out so I could see them but they could have an unimpeeded beach day.

My partner wanted to go with so I had someone who knew how to handle my episodes, but he had to work on his taxes and the deadline was dangerously close.

So I was pretty sure I would only be able to say hellos and good byes.

Sunday

Result?

They had experience with another friend who had POTS, and I had no idea. They were accepting, accommadating, and active in making sure that we all were doing okay.

Not only that we were able to talk and trust that if there was an issue we would tell each other. I really admire and respect that vulnerability.

I haven't always been the confrontational type and so I explained my history with weaponized honesty and rejection sensitivity. I had also shared this with my partner M in the past too. He said something that helped me forgive all the "honest" things i was told. "That is not constructive criticism, it is destructive criticism." My new friends agreed, stating not everyone can be told things in the same way and it's important to amend by also meeting on middle ground.

I believe the beach was that middle ground for me. A place where we could bond and do as we liked, doing what we liked as we liked. Enjoying it and each others company.

Magical Blurb

The beach is a vulnerable place. Abrasive sand that sticks when not compacted by the water. Salty sea that stings and burns any wounds you may have exposed. Flat land that makes the sun unavoidable. It's a place many love and many don't. For this, it is a magical place, for those who do and don't like it.

Love, in any form, is just the same. Romance, friendship, and familial asks us to find ourselves on the shore, where land meets sea, where water meets earth.

This is a boundary.

Not just where the ocean and sea touch, but the dunes the sea and wind form.

Lets associate these with western elemental ideas.

The sea is water (our emotions), the sand and dunes are earth (physical results), and wind is air (thoughts and communication).

The formation of dunes is quite symbolic. An obstacle acts as a wind break and sand begins to pile under or behind the object. I see the obstacle as an event that is significant to cause an interuption of casual thought, most often an issue or problem. This physically can either build up to make a big dune (a boundary) or be pulled back into the ocean.

The frequency of an object or the same object returning is a chance of a dune (boundary) being formed.

Mentality will want to blow it away, the sea will want to take it in, but overtime coastal plants will hold older dunes in place with their roots, but new dunes are fragile.

Often when fresh, our new boundaries will be small and weak. Only the obstacle is what is holding it together. Our mind and heart will want to move and get rid of the disruption, creatures might stomp on it or dig around in its sand. If there are no dunes storms and flooding become much more destructive.

I have learned that grudges serve a purpose. Remaining angry and remembering issues allow us to take actions to prevent it from occuring again and help us keep emotions in check. Why subject yourself to emotional flooding when you can keep the boundary that prevents it as a whole.

I have learned what I want in all my relationships through my old obstacles.

I understand the blessing it is to have those I do around me, including these new friends.

It's scary to trust, but the first person you must trust to trust others is yourself.

You must have your own back, because the sea might bring that obstacle back up even if you decided to wash it away. This grudge is you not wanting to abandon yourself.

Once you accept you can have grudges you are better able to trust yourself with the things you can let slide.

Forgiveness isn't mandatory, it's not holy, it does not always make you a better person.

Honest forgiveness is acceptance of reality.

I often relive those who have wronged me and I accept they are who they are.

As long as they are in my life some obstacles are unavoidable, and it is up to me whether or not I want to deal with that issue.

I cannot expect a person to change, even if they claim they will, I need to accept the person who stands before me.

I need to decide whether I can keep this going. Do I have the dune strength to deal with my flooding as they potentially change or do I step away to protect my boundaries.

The pros, the cons.

Will being around them erode all my boundaries?

Do I have any left to spare?

How am I damaging my own ecosystem by not having boundaries?

It is for my own power I decide who, what, and why.

Our power in this life are the choices we make and I am done being dragged by the world. Sure there will be consequences to my actions but there are just as many consqueences to in action. Not acting is still a decision.

We returned home to be greeted by my roomies L & A. It was honestly magical to see my old and new friends bond so quickly and easily.

I felt happy, safe, and secure.

There was no fear of anyone or anything in this moment. As someone with nervous dog energy, I was truly in the moment (which takes a bit to do around newer people).

This weekend was sincerely the best way to start my blog.

Happy, grateful, and present.